"There's tears and there's fears and there's losses and crosses to bear
And sometimes the best we can do is just to whisper a prayer
Then press on because there's so much to live for and so much to love
In this beautiful world" <3
I had a wonderful childhood. It was typical, I grew up in the late 90's and early 2000's and I don't think I would choose any other time period to be raised. I played with Barbie's, had a kitchen set, a dog, and spent a lot of time drawing with sidewalk chalk on my sidewalk. My neighborhood was clean and safe, thankfully, and I was able to spend much of my time outside. I was five and my mother was diagnosed with cancer. As a five year old, it's hard to even understand that concept. But basically, my mother's cancer has been apart of my life for as long as I can remember.
I went kindergarten through second grade visiting my mother in our local hospital, just living like that. It was my life, it was whatever. My mother's cancer was gone, for the time being, when I was about eight or nine. She had faced several radiation treatments and chemotherapy, one treatment of which almost sent her into cardiac arrest. In the November of my seventh grade year, my mother's condition came back. She was losing the battle. She couldn't keep food down, my parents tried to find several different doctors but we unsuccessful. The summer before my eighth grade year, my family made the decision to put my mother into the Hospice to care for her until she died. In June of that year, my mother passed away. I was 13. And that's where my story truly begins.
I was 13, finding out who I was supposed to be, and living without a mother. I had a pretty difficult life, but I enjoyed my life overall. I realize now all the blessings that I had then and am very thankful for them. I went through 8th grade like any normal person, mouthing off, hanging out with my friends and spending a lot of time at school.
High school brought new friends, new memories, and a wonderful time in my life. Currently, I am in the second semester of my Senior year, and I wish I could go back and relive every moment of high school. On the first day of my freshman year, I met a girl who would eventually be the greatest friend I ever had, and who would change my life forever. Her and I, however, went through a lot of drama and pain as friends, as did I and several other people.
I will eventually share those stories, probably, as this blogging persists. But that's beside the point. I have been a Christian my entire life. I attended church almost regularly, was confirmed, and believed fully in God. However, I believe I fully found Jesus my sophomore year, and even more my Junior year. Ever since then, though, I have struggled greatly with my faith. I hardly ever doubt that God is not real, but I struggle with the motivation to keep my faith strong, and to make it stronger. It's almost life altering.
Junior year is when I learned most about myself...and when I admitted to myself who I was. I realized I was an incredibly clingy and controlling person, to the point where it came in the way of my friendships, and I have a terrible fear of being forgotten. However, I believe that if I did not have those three traits, I would not be alive today. Thus, I am thankful. But it affects my ability to have faith in a Being in which I cannot see, AKA God. I pretty much have no patience for Him doing things His way...because I cannot see Him doing it. I am always proven wrong, however, by Him because, in the long run, I realize that He really did answer my prayer, it just took a while!
I learned a really important trait about myself Senior year though, that was pointed out by an older, wiser friend. She explained to me that she had noticed that I had an abandonment issue. I lost my mom and her love when she died, and now I am afraid of losing the people (my friends) that give me the love that she was supposed to give me. I causes me to cling so tightly to a person that it drives them insane.
When I admitted those character traits to myself, I have found I can understand myself and other people more. Now that I know these things, I can help to fix them. I can say to myself, "Hey, hold on a second..." And it helps in relationships. Since I admitted this to myself, I have found that a majority of my relationships have gotten stronger.
I have a very deep, emotional mind. I believe, at one time, I was legitimately depressed. It may just have been a minor case, but there were days when I had absolutely no motivation to do anything, all I wanted to do was lay in bed. It got me away from the world. There were days I didn't want to be alive, times when I thought about how I would kill myself, and I am SO thankful that those days are over. I am so much happier now, and could not imagine not living in this beautiful world. I cannot imagine how much I would miss if I took my life today, and I will not take that chance!
Basically, the number one thing I have learned in life is just to be thankful. So remember, "There's so much to live for an so much to love." I am in love with life. Can I hear your life story?
