Codependency...

I was in church today and I heard the word "codependency".  I was curious as to what exactly it meant, so I decided to Google the word.  Well, turns out, codependency is the tendency to behave in a passive or excessively caretaking way that will negatively impace one's relationships or their quality of life.  Its involves putting one's needs second while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.  It's also characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance and control patterns. 

I read that definitely and one of the only words that came to mind was, "Wow."  That is exactly who I am, and I'm not joking.  I don't know if codependency is something that has to be professionally diagnosed, but I'm pretty sure I suffer from it.  I match each one of those symptoms. 

I put others needs way in front of mine, no matter the situation, and it makes me happy for a moment, knowing I did something to make someone feel good and because I showed them that I care, but it sometimes makes the other person unhappy.  And, it eventually makes me upset because I feel worthless because I don't have much else.  The term "excessively preoccupied" is perfect for me, I even think the word "obsessively" would be better.  It is something I constantly think about, those needs of others, their happiness.  It's sometimes really awful, it's life altering. 

I sometimes live with denial, and I definitely have a lot of low self esteem, some of my friends tell me I'm the human door mat because, whenever someone tells me to do something, I do it, no questions asked.  I am incredibly compliant.  And I have a control issue bigger than anyone else I've ever seen.  So, all in all, I'd basically like to believe that I do suffer from this strange thing. 

Codependency is often characterized, also, as a relationship addiction, where one has relationships that are rather one sided and, occasionally, even abusive whether it be verbally or physically.  "They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating."  (via mentalhealthamerica.net) << talking about a person with a codependent disorder.  I DO THAT.  Compulsive and defeating are two words to describe what it's like when I take care of the people in my life.  And I do, I do have good intentions and there's no other way to describe that.

It also states that a majority of codependent people come from a family where alcohol or drugs played a big role in their lives.  I never came from a family like that, mind you.  My family is a very well respected, well known family in our community for good reasons, so obviously I did not get it because of those reasons.  I don't know.

But step one is admitting the problem.  :)  I'm glad I found out what may finally be wrong with me!  So, hopefully I can do something about it.