I feel trapped...

I think something is legitimately wrong with me.  I researched relationship addiction today.  It turns out that I have a lot of the symptoms, but in only a select few of my friendships.  There are two people that I love and need more than I can even explain, but then the other people in my life don't matter at all.  Like, as long as I have those two friends, then nothing else matters.  The others could leave me completely and I'd still be pretty content as long as I had those two friends.  

But I think now that I've accepted it, it has made me even more depressed than what I already was.  Relationship addiction.  It is such a strong phrase, something that seems so embarrassing to me.  I can't even tell my best friend about it.  I mean, my best friend is one of the two people that is apart of these addictive relationships.  But I can't tell her, I'm afraid that if she knows, then she'll leave me, and I can't deal with  that abandonment.  If I tell her that it's an addictive relationship, she'll probably be freaked out.  Thinking that I can control that addiction.  She doesn't understand, I suppose.  But I've been trying to make her understand but it's a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I don't think she understands that it hurts me that she thinks I can control this.  I don't like being like this.

I feel trapped.  I feel trapped inside my life and inside of my emotions.  I feel like I can't get away from these feelings of being down, of this almost near depression I may or may not be experiencing.  I don't want to be around anybody anymore.  I don't want to go to school, work, or hang out with any of my friends anymore.  I just kind of want to be at home by myself.  If I could choose, that's what I would be doing all the time.

 

And I feel like nobody understands me.  Nobody cares enough to listen.  Nobody cares enough to try and help me.  I kind of feel like a lost cause.  I don't know anybody that's going through this or even understands this.  I just feel so incredibly alone.  I feel like I've let this slip so far that there's no turning back.  There's no being happy again.  I don't remember the last time I was happy.  

On top of all this, I am so overwhelmed.  I can't stop thinking about college, about roommates, about how I'm failing chemistry, about how I have a huge research paper to write or I'm going to fail English, about how I have a huge project to do for my computer apps class, about how much I HATE my job, and about friends.  I don't know.  It's just depressing.

I don't think I'm depressed, I think I'm just severely unhappy.  I'm too scared to go even talk to a counselor or anything because I don't want my dad finding out. This is something he doesn't need to know about.  But I just need...help.  I'm too afraid to take action though.

I'll turn to God, but I don't know if God can even cure this.  If He can even help me with this.

Codependency, abandonment issues and relationship addiction; great things to worry about when you're 18.  I never expected I'd be dealing with this right now.  I never thought I would be feeling so alone.  I have almost four hundred friends on Facebook, all of the people I rely on are there for me unconditionally and I know that, and I have tons of really good friends, but I've never felt so alone.  I just...I don't know how much longer I can take.

I won't commit suicide, I would never do that, but I'm curious as to how long it is before I break, before I break down.  I'm scared.

It's been a while since I've posted, but I've had a bit on my mind lately.  The date today is April 12th, 2011.  It's a Tuesday and, yes, I am procrastinating on my chemistry homework right now.  I am gearing up for my long awaited 18th birthday on April 14th and I couldn't be more excited.  I have been counting down the days for the past month and have been anxiously awaiting the moment that I can walk into Jewel and buy myself a lottery ticket...legally!

I have a severe case of senioritis.  I seriously need medication or something.  I just don't care anymore!  We graduate in just over a month and, if I didn't have to write a research paper for English, I wouldn't try at all.  I'm currently failing chemistry, but that's because my teacher never puts grades in, so there's no way for me to bring it up!  Woo!  Oh well, I don't care.

I once posted about my struggle with self diagnosed codependency.  Well, it's coming again to the surface of my life.  I recently have been struggling greatly with my faith in God.  I still believe, I still trust Him and I still love Him with my whole heart, but there is something standing in the way, there is something restricting me from getting closer to Him.  And it's a friendship.

You see, freshman year I met a girl who quickly became my best friend.  Throughout the past three years, we have developed a strong fellowship.  We discuss God and the Bible and I turn to her when I have questions.  She's always been there for me and it is an amazing feeling.  Without her, I wouldn't believe in God, I don't think.  I would have given up.  But she helped me, she continues to push me.  I have always considered her the link.  However, I am so afraid of losing her.  I'm afraid that, if I lose her, then I will lose God as well.  I won't have the motivation, the urge to want him.  I talked to her about this recently and she told me I need to start bringing my problems to God, not to her, because it will help me build my relationship.  But I will not tolerate that.  I feel that if I stop talking to her about my issues, then I will lose a special piece of our friendship.  I couldn't do that.

I have put way too much time and energy into this friendship with her, and I am not willing to say that I wasted it.  She told me she'd pull herself from my life if I continued to put her in front of God.  She doesn't want to be responsible for the downfall of my relationship with the Father.  Understandable, but also unacceptable for me.  I don't think I could live without her, without that piece of the friendship.  I couldn't do it.  I need her.  

As much as I love and want God, I am incapable of letting go willingly of the relationship I have with my best friend.  It's like I'm gripping onto it for dear life sometimes.  It scares me.  There is no way I can let her go, and it's life altering, it really it.  It affects my everyday life.  It affects my promise of eternal life, my ability to get into Heaven.

When I explained to her that I didn't think I could control it, I explained to her the concept of codependency.  I told her I thought that was the reason I was the way I was with her and that it was the reason I couldn't be closer with God.  I talked to her this morning, and I continued to explain to her how I couldn't control the stability I had to let go.  And she told me that I could, I was just choosing not to.  It broke my heart to hear her say she didn't believe me.  I'm not lying about this!  I need her to know it.  I literally can't control it.  If I could, I would, because I know the importance of a relationship with God, and I also know that I take comfort in the fact that her and I are going to college together, so it's not a big deal.  But I just can't!  I physically, mentally and emotionally cannot let go, and it's because of this codependency that I'm living with.

It might even be a little bit of a relationship addiction, but I haven't looked into it enough to know whether or not it is.  But knowing that she thinks I'm faking just sends me spiraling.  It hurts me, it cuts me deep.  This is not something I'm lying about, this is not something I'm making up.  I'd be so much happier if I didn't deal with every day of my life.  But I am.  And it's awful.  It sucks.  I wish I could talk to someone about it, but no one understands.  I wish I had the ability to see a counselor and talk about abandonment, codependency and relationship addiction.  But I can't!  Maybe I should just pray?  I don't know.  It's just so incredible complicated.

On another note, I don't think I have officially announced on here that I have decided on a college!  In the fall, I am going to Olivet Nazarene University and probably majoring in English, although that's not for sure yet.  I am excited, and super nervous all at the same time.  I don't have a roommate yet, which is the scariest part for me, and I am afraid of who I will be paired with.  The fact that it's a Christian school gives me comfort, hopefully I won't be living with some crazy serial killer or something!  I doubt it.  It seems like a really great opportunity and I am excited to see how my life changes while I'm there.  I already have a few friends that go there already, and two other girls that I'm friends with will be freshman in the fall, so it will be really exciting!

I've been really stressed out lately about college, graduation, my graduation party, work and just about everything in between and it's definitely not how I expected to spend the last month of my senior year, but I hope everything falls into place.  <3

God bless.