I think something is legitimately wrong with me. I researched relationship addiction today. It turns out that I have a lot of the symptoms, but in only a select few of my friendships. There are two people that I love and need more than I can even explain, but then the other people in my life don't matter at all. Like, as long as I have those two friends, then nothing else matters. The others could leave me completely and I'd still be pretty content as long as I had those two friends.
But I think now that I've accepted it, it has made me even more depressed than what I already was. Relationship addiction. It is such a strong phrase, something that seems so embarrassing to me. I can't even tell my best friend about it. I mean, my best friend is one of the two people that is apart of these addictive relationships. But I can't tell her, I'm afraid that if she knows, then she'll leave me, and I can't deal with that abandonment. If I tell her that it's an addictive relationship, she'll probably be freaked out. Thinking that I can control that addiction. She doesn't understand, I suppose. But I've been trying to make her understand but it's a lot harder than I thought it would be. I don't think she understands that it hurts me that she thinks I can control this. I don't like being like this.
I feel trapped. I feel trapped inside my life and inside of my emotions. I feel like I can't get away from these feelings of being down, of this almost near depression I may or may not be experiencing. I don't want to be around anybody anymore. I don't want to go to school, work, or hang out with any of my friends anymore. I just kind of want to be at home by myself. If I could choose, that's what I would be doing all the time.
And I feel like nobody understands me. Nobody cares enough to listen. Nobody cares enough to try and help me. I kind of feel like a lost cause. I don't know anybody that's going through this or even understands this. I just feel so incredibly alone. I feel like I've let this slip so far that there's no turning back. There's no being happy again. I don't remember the last time I was happy.
On top of all this, I am so overwhelmed. I can't stop thinking about college, about roommates, about how I'm failing chemistry, about how I have a huge research paper to write or I'm going to fail English, about how I have a huge project to do for my computer apps class, about how much I HATE my job, and about friends. I don't know. It's just depressing.
I don't think I'm depressed, I think I'm just severely unhappy. I'm too scared to go even talk to a counselor or anything because I don't want my dad finding out. This is something he doesn't need to know about. But I just need...help. I'm too afraid to take action though.
I'll turn to God, but I don't know if God can even cure this. If He can even help me with this.
Codependency, abandonment issues and relationship addiction; great things to worry about when you're 18. I never expected I'd be dealing with this right now. I never thought I would be feeling so alone. I have almost four hundred friends on Facebook, all of the people I rely on are there for me unconditionally and I know that, and I have tons of really good friends, but I've never felt so alone. I just...I don't know how much longer I can take.
I won't commit suicide, I would never do that, but I'm curious as to how long it is before I break, before I break down. I'm scared.
No comments:
Post a Comment