Life on 3 Souuuthhh!!

I am officially a college freshman, and have been for about two months now!  It's crazy to think that we've all lived here for two months; and we're all surviving!  I'm impressed!  Classes suck, and so does the food.  It just doesn't settle well in my stomach.  I eat A LOT of Lunchables in my room.  One of my favorite things about life at Olivet is the girls on my floor.  They're incredible.

First off, there's Lauren.  Her and I hit it off from the start, and she's the only girl on the floor that knows about the problems I have been struggling with.  I don't know why, but I trust her.  She's from a small town only about twenty minutes from mine and we have a few mutual friends, which is interesting!  She just makes me happy.  She's so chill and laid back and we have a lot in common.  She makes me laugh.  She's always so busy though, so I never get to see her.  A lot of girls don't even know who she is.  But I love her!


Next is Colleen.  We just started hanging out a ton recently.  We share a love for gymnastics, and have literally spent hours talking about it, watching gymnasts on YouTube and scouting who we want for the 2012 Olympic team.  She's so funny.  We have similar personalities and she's so much fun to be with.  She brings out the best in me.  We stayed up until 5 AM the other day just watching Shawn Johnson, Nastia Liukin, Jordyn Wieber and just about anybody else you can imagine on YouTube, talking about the Olympics.  I love being with Colleen <3

Charlotte is Colleen's roommate, and she's freakin' hilarious.  She will make tiny little remarks that are the funniest things I've ever heard.  She's Asian, that's why I love her!  :D  She likes to talk about my problems with me, even if I don't want to talk about them with her. 

Next comes Anna, who lives across the hall.  We have geology together and always sit next to each other.  All we do is talk about how much we hate geology class because it's so ridiculous and unnecessary!  But we survive.  She's smart and down to earth and helpful.  It's fun to be with her.

Then comes Emma.  Anna tells me that Emma and I are two peas in a pod.  We just gel well together.  We are always cracking up when we're talking.  Always.  We have so many inside jokes, because we are in our geology lab together and think it's the dumbest class in the world.  We don't take it very seriously.  So we're always giggling about something stupid that nobody else would understand!

Class of 2011

Well, I graduated the other day.  It was a long, emotional day and I am still incredibly emotional.  I was nervous all day.  I was scared of tripping, embarrassing myself, but I was also afraid of leaving, of saying goodbye to those kids that I grew up with.

When I first stepped into the hallways of my high school, I had no idea what was going on.  I didn't know where I was going, I was nervous every time I had to go into the hallways, and I only knew about 50% of the people.  It was terrifying.  Little did I know that it would life changing, however.

High school was the best four years of my entire life.  I can honestly say that.  I cannot explain what a whirlwind these four years have been.  They have been dramatic, stressful, exciting and, most importantly, fun.

I have learned so much.  I have learned about myself, about soccer, about friendships, about everything.  It's amazing to see how I've changed because I'm honestly no where near the person I was four years ago.  People have changed me, experiences have changed me, and so much more.

I made new friends, lost some friends that I thought I would always have, got a job, and all together just grew up.  I couldn't imagine a better high school career than what I had.  I played three great years of soccer, despite them being crazy and kind of Hell-filled.  Like I said, I learned so much about everything, and my life changed.  It's been great. It's been fun.

Graduation day was overwhelming and gone in a flash.  I went to practice, got my hair done, and then there was the ceremony.  I almost threw up right before.  But I was okay.  I almost peed my pants during the ceremony, too.  Afterward, we all hung around and talked, hugged, took pictures and said goodbye.  It was sad, but none of us were really thinking about that.  We were all just excited.  I looked around and realized that I would never see some of those kids again.  I grew up with those kids.  I've known some of them since kindergarten, but I will more than likely never see them again.

Later that night, I went to my best friend's graduation party.  It was really fun.  There were a lot of people and a lot of stuff to do.  However, it was the end of it that was hard.  I went inside of her house to say goodbye to her, and she hugged me and said, "See you at Olivet.  Maybe sooner."  I appreciated her acknowledging the fact that we're going to the same school, but it made me sad that I knew I probably wouldn't really see her over the summer.

We've never normally seen each other over the summers.  Our friendship doesn't exactly including hanging out with each other.  And, despite the fact that we are going to the same college next year, it was the hardest for me to say goodbye to her.

She has been the most important friend to me all through high school.  She changed my life, she showed me things I never would have otherwise seen.  She has been the best friend ever and I have been telling her that a lot lately.  It was always something ongoing at school.  We saw each other almost every day and always got to talk.  I always knew that I'd get to talk to her.  It was kind of a comfort.  She was my person to fall back on.  But now...it's all going to change.  It's like abruptly ending.  There was no drama for us this year.  We didn't fight at all.  We got along so well.  And now it's all just over.  I'm scared that it may never come back.  

For the past four years, everything has, for the most part, remained the same with our friendship.  Our friendship has always consisted of God and of spending a small bit of time with each other.  But this summer, and next year, things may change.  Things may never be as good as they are now and that scares me.  Because her and I have worked, and we have worked so had and that may go to waste.  I'm so afraid.

But I guess college will be a new challenge...

I feel trapped...

I think something is legitimately wrong with me.  I researched relationship addiction today.  It turns out that I have a lot of the symptoms, but in only a select few of my friendships.  There are two people that I love and need more than I can even explain, but then the other people in my life don't matter at all.  Like, as long as I have those two friends, then nothing else matters.  The others could leave me completely and I'd still be pretty content as long as I had those two friends.  

But I think now that I've accepted it, it has made me even more depressed than what I already was.  Relationship addiction.  It is such a strong phrase, something that seems so embarrassing to me.  I can't even tell my best friend about it.  I mean, my best friend is one of the two people that is apart of these addictive relationships.  But I can't tell her, I'm afraid that if she knows, then she'll leave me, and I can't deal with  that abandonment.  If I tell her that it's an addictive relationship, she'll probably be freaked out.  Thinking that I can control that addiction.  She doesn't understand, I suppose.  But I've been trying to make her understand but it's a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I don't think she understands that it hurts me that she thinks I can control this.  I don't like being like this.

I feel trapped.  I feel trapped inside my life and inside of my emotions.  I feel like I can't get away from these feelings of being down, of this almost near depression I may or may not be experiencing.  I don't want to be around anybody anymore.  I don't want to go to school, work, or hang out with any of my friends anymore.  I just kind of want to be at home by myself.  If I could choose, that's what I would be doing all the time.

 

And I feel like nobody understands me.  Nobody cares enough to listen.  Nobody cares enough to try and help me.  I kind of feel like a lost cause.  I don't know anybody that's going through this or even understands this.  I just feel so incredibly alone.  I feel like I've let this slip so far that there's no turning back.  There's no being happy again.  I don't remember the last time I was happy.  

On top of all this, I am so overwhelmed.  I can't stop thinking about college, about roommates, about how I'm failing chemistry, about how I have a huge research paper to write or I'm going to fail English, about how I have a huge project to do for my computer apps class, about how much I HATE my job, and about friends.  I don't know.  It's just depressing.

I don't think I'm depressed, I think I'm just severely unhappy.  I'm too scared to go even talk to a counselor or anything because I don't want my dad finding out. This is something he doesn't need to know about.  But I just need...help.  I'm too afraid to take action though.

I'll turn to God, but I don't know if God can even cure this.  If He can even help me with this.

Codependency, abandonment issues and relationship addiction; great things to worry about when you're 18.  I never expected I'd be dealing with this right now.  I never thought I would be feeling so alone.  I have almost four hundred friends on Facebook, all of the people I rely on are there for me unconditionally and I know that, and I have tons of really good friends, but I've never felt so alone.  I just...I don't know how much longer I can take.

I won't commit suicide, I would never do that, but I'm curious as to how long it is before I break, before I break down.  I'm scared.

It's been a while since I've posted, but I've had a bit on my mind lately.  The date today is April 12th, 2011.  It's a Tuesday and, yes, I am procrastinating on my chemistry homework right now.  I am gearing up for my long awaited 18th birthday on April 14th and I couldn't be more excited.  I have been counting down the days for the past month and have been anxiously awaiting the moment that I can walk into Jewel and buy myself a lottery ticket...legally!

I have a severe case of senioritis.  I seriously need medication or something.  I just don't care anymore!  We graduate in just over a month and, if I didn't have to write a research paper for English, I wouldn't try at all.  I'm currently failing chemistry, but that's because my teacher never puts grades in, so there's no way for me to bring it up!  Woo!  Oh well, I don't care.

I once posted about my struggle with self diagnosed codependency.  Well, it's coming again to the surface of my life.  I recently have been struggling greatly with my faith in God.  I still believe, I still trust Him and I still love Him with my whole heart, but there is something standing in the way, there is something restricting me from getting closer to Him.  And it's a friendship.

You see, freshman year I met a girl who quickly became my best friend.  Throughout the past three years, we have developed a strong fellowship.  We discuss God and the Bible and I turn to her when I have questions.  She's always been there for me and it is an amazing feeling.  Without her, I wouldn't believe in God, I don't think.  I would have given up.  But she helped me, she continues to push me.  I have always considered her the link.  However, I am so afraid of losing her.  I'm afraid that, if I lose her, then I will lose God as well.  I won't have the motivation, the urge to want him.  I talked to her about this recently and she told me I need to start bringing my problems to God, not to her, because it will help me build my relationship.  But I will not tolerate that.  I feel that if I stop talking to her about my issues, then I will lose a special piece of our friendship.  I couldn't do that.

I have put way too much time and energy into this friendship with her, and I am not willing to say that I wasted it.  She told me she'd pull herself from my life if I continued to put her in front of God.  She doesn't want to be responsible for the downfall of my relationship with the Father.  Understandable, but also unacceptable for me.  I don't think I could live without her, without that piece of the friendship.  I couldn't do it.  I need her.  

As much as I love and want God, I am incapable of letting go willingly of the relationship I have with my best friend.  It's like I'm gripping onto it for dear life sometimes.  It scares me.  There is no way I can let her go, and it's life altering, it really it.  It affects my everyday life.  It affects my promise of eternal life, my ability to get into Heaven.

When I explained to her that I didn't think I could control it, I explained to her the concept of codependency.  I told her I thought that was the reason I was the way I was with her and that it was the reason I couldn't be closer with God.  I talked to her this morning, and I continued to explain to her how I couldn't control the stability I had to let go.  And she told me that I could, I was just choosing not to.  It broke my heart to hear her say she didn't believe me.  I'm not lying about this!  I need her to know it.  I literally can't control it.  If I could, I would, because I know the importance of a relationship with God, and I also know that I take comfort in the fact that her and I are going to college together, so it's not a big deal.  But I just can't!  I physically, mentally and emotionally cannot let go, and it's because of this codependency that I'm living with.

It might even be a little bit of a relationship addiction, but I haven't looked into it enough to know whether or not it is.  But knowing that she thinks I'm faking just sends me spiraling.  It hurts me, it cuts me deep.  This is not something I'm lying about, this is not something I'm making up.  I'd be so much happier if I didn't deal with every day of my life.  But I am.  And it's awful.  It sucks.  I wish I could talk to someone about it, but no one understands.  I wish I had the ability to see a counselor and talk about abandonment, codependency and relationship addiction.  But I can't!  Maybe I should just pray?  I don't know.  It's just so incredible complicated.

On another note, I don't think I have officially announced on here that I have decided on a college!  In the fall, I am going to Olivet Nazarene University and probably majoring in English, although that's not for sure yet.  I am excited, and super nervous all at the same time.  I don't have a roommate yet, which is the scariest part for me, and I am afraid of who I will be paired with.  The fact that it's a Christian school gives me comfort, hopefully I won't be living with some crazy serial killer or something!  I doubt it.  It seems like a really great opportunity and I am excited to see how my life changes while I'm there.  I already have a few friends that go there already, and two other girls that I'm friends with will be freshman in the fall, so it will be really exciting!

I've been really stressed out lately about college, graduation, my graduation party, work and just about everything in between and it's definitely not how I expected to spend the last month of my senior year, but I hope everything falls into place.  <3

God bless.

Things I Love

•  My iPod
• My cat
• Friends
• Family
• Gilmore Girls
• One Tree Hill
• Country Music
• Christian Music
• Writing
• Texting
• Summer
• Ludington, Michigan
• New York City
• Chicago
• Texas
• Oklahoma
• Soccer
• Sleeping
• Eating
• Pictures
• My cell phone
• Justin Bieber
• Facebook
• Socks
• My car
• Badminton
• Youtube
• My brother
• Babies
• Teen Mom
• God
• Disney Channel
• E! 
• Carrie Underwood
• Musical theater

Things I Hate

•  Snow
• Cigarettes
• Rude people
• My job
• Running
• Being sick
• The dentist
• Mint
• Condiments
• Being sad
• Cold
• My hair
• My eyes

 

Never Say Never!

I went to the movies the other night and the next day I realized I had contracted a terribly contagious disease that seems to affect many teenaged girls.  I can't seem to get rid of it!  I've tried a lot of things.  What's the disease, you ask?  Well, it's BIEBER FEVER!!  I was never a Bieber fan until the other night when I sat there for two hours and watched that movie.  It was phenomenal.

I'll admit it, I love my life, but that boy lives the life I want.  His story was told beautifully and passionately and it made me respect him, not only as a performer, but as a person.  Whoever produced this movie was brilliant.  The story was told well and it struck many emotions!  One minute, I was crying, the next I was laughing, and the next minute I was jamming to one of JB's songs. 

I haven't been able to stop talking about this movie for days.  It was SO good.  Yes, it was THAT good.  Don't roll your eyes at me.  Don't hate it until you've seen it because it's far better than I ever expected.  I knew I'd probably like the movie, I love show business so seeing all the behind the scenes stuff I already know would intrigue me.  But I didn't know I'd love it that much.

I'd definitely recommend this to everyone.

Summer Memories & Mistakes

I was twenty and she was eighteen

We just about as wild as we were green

In the ways of the world

She picked me up in that red ragtop

We were free of the folks and hiding from the cops

On a summer night, running all the red lights

I miss summer so much.  I think I always will, especially the summer of 2010.  I think that every person who lives in such a freezing cold wasteland like Illinois misses summer when we get 18 inches of snow on the ground.  But I not only miss it because of the warmth, I miss it because of the times that I had.

Summer 2010 brought me a new best friend.  I started getting really close with this girl I worked with, who was a year older than me and also lived a very, very different lifestyle.  I, myself, lead a pretty boring life.  I've always stayed away from drinking and smoking and all of that kind of stuff.  But once I met this new friend, I was intrigued by her lifestyle.  She liked to party.  Don't get me wrong, she was responsible and didn't drink and drive and all that stuff.  But she drank quite a lot.  She hung out with these boys, who I began spending a lot of time with, as well.  And it was just fun.

There was one boy in particular that we spent a lot of time with.  He caused us a lot of fights though, because she gave me a lack of attention.  They didn't date, but they were close friends.  He liked her, but she didn't feel the same way.  We began spending almost every night with him.  We'd go swimming in the pond his family owned and we'd watch the stars late at night together.  We would drive around for hours talking and listening to the radio. The three of us really became good friends.

Once summer ended, us and the boy stopped talking.  And I watched my friendship with my friend fall apart.  Recently, we haven't really talked and haven't really wanted anything to do with one another.  It's sad, but it was somewhat my choice.  I miss her.  A lot.  And there are days when I really, really need her.  But...she's still there no matter what, which is nice.  I still talk to him, through texting, although I haven't seen him since, like October.  His sister goes to my school, so I am able to talk to her, but I miss hanging out with him and being around him.  He was always a really fun guy.

"Red Ragtop" by Tim McGraw reminds of my summer so much.  Because he was 20, and my friend was 18, and despite the fact that they never had sex and she never got pregnant with his baby, it just brings me back to the times when we hung out.  It also reminds me of summer because that's when I discovered the song in the first place.  

I realize now that maybe I should have spent a little less time with this one friend, and maybe spent a little more with my other friends.  My whole world kind of revolved around her.  It was her way or the high way and I definitely didn't want her out of my life, so I let her have her way.  I'd do whatever she wanted me to do.  I tried things I wouldn't have normally tried, but it was what our friendship was.  I hurt a lot of my other friend's feelings, and I lost a lot of friends over the summer.  Not a lot of people really like her because, not only of her reputation, but because of her attitude and her personality.  When I began to spend so much time with her, I'll admit I did kind of start acting like her, and people just didn't want to be around it.

Although this experience helped me realize who my true friends were, I still miss some of those old friends I used to spend my time with.  Summer 2010 was the best of my life, and I hope that summer 2011, the summer before college, is even better.  Maybe I'll even make another new best friend, although now I am hesitant.